Due diligence accountant...sh*t, still only a due diligence accountant

Some of you may be aware of the chimp's parallel project, http://www.boilingtheocean.com/, a collection of corporate bullsh*t jargon. Anyhoo, I had the pleasure this afternoon of attending a meeting in which a gang of senior private equity dudes faced off with a gaggle of young, thrusting M&A guys - always a volatile combination. The result was a stream of banal nonsense unheard of since the glory years of the dotcom boom at the turn of the century. In just one hour, the air was darkened by the following travesties (provided with handy translation back into English):

• "this is not the ditch I want to die in" (I don't want to work on this project)
  
• "this looks like [Name of Private Equity Firm]'s Gallipoli" (I'm not convinced that this project is entirely a good idea)
  
• "let's prod it hard" (let's read some spreadsheets)
  
• "it's not impossible that you're being spoofed" (someone as unscrupulous as I may be lying to us)
  
• "they've created a herd coming along the track" (ditto)
  
• "we need to build an angle without taking a sucker punch" (I have no idea what to do next)
  
• "can we roll you through our scope?" (may I read this document to you?)
  
• "of course, we'll do whatever it takes to get it over the line" (We will lie, cheat and murder to get our fees out of you)
  
• "we have two choices -bullsh*t or attack" (I have no idea what to do next)
  
• "we've gotta build our own bricks, here" (we may have to do some work)

Two other observations: (1) one of the private equity dude's watch was inexplicably 55 minutes slow. Why on earth would that be? Offshore financial centre mean time? (2) The M&A guy prefaced practically everything he said with "If I were cynical...", which in fact means "What I've done on every other deal I've ever worked on...". Tsk, they're estate agents in bigger offices.

Finally - the idiotic Nigel Farage who runs the UKIP has been photographed in front of the Palace of Westminster (I forget why), achieving the magnificient accolade of looking exactly like Stephen Fry in a sketch from c.1994. Which one is which? Good work Nige - back to the future....